The False Gospel of Masculinity

reclaiming our humanity from the loneliness of patriarchy

When I graduated college, to the surprise of everyone who knew me, I joined the Marine Corps. I don’t even think I understood why I did it. Looking back, I see that decision as part of a longer story, shaped by a version of masculinity I inherited from my church, culture, and country. But it was a false gospel, and it almost broke me—just as it’s currently breaking many men.

I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian sect with strict gender roles: men were leaders, women submissive helpmeets—you know the drill. It’s easy to see how this harmed women, but it took me years to recognize how it wounded me too.

I wasn’t good at sports or particularly competitive. I didn’t hunt or fish. I was a city kid who liked to read and shop, and in the early 2000s, I was labeled a “metrosexual” by college classmates. The fact that we invented a new sexuality just for straight boys who dressed well says a lot about how narrow the box of masculinity really is. As bell hooks put it:

“Patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”

The parts of myself that seemed weak, vulnerable, or “feminine”—these were threats to my belonging. “Boys don’t cry,” and “you don’t want to be a girl, do you?” My parents didn’t need to say the exact phrases—every boy absorbs the rules.

More than 15 years later, I can see my decision to join the Marines for what it was—my attempt to “man up.” I learned a lot there, and met many amazing people, but it was an identity that never fit.